Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Genitals Or GeniTails?

This weekend we went to the zoo. What a great way to spend a nice winter afternoon with the family. It was enjoyable and yet oddly uncomfortable. Please allow me to explain. My brother Bob* was slightly preoccupied with the genitals of the zoo inhabitants. Cage after cage he would point out the penis, the enlarged clitoris or the gaping anus of the various monkeys. He would point, look and get closer; point, look and get closer before practically pressing his nose to the glass, and then saying to me, "You really are fixated on the genitals of the monkeys, aren't you?"

I could not believe what I was hearing. Was it my face looking at the rear of the Gibbons? No. Were my eyes glued to the baboon buttocks? No. Was I the one debating whether the dangling object looked penile or clitoral? (I might have possibly participated in this discussion)
Here he was, actually trying to make it seem as though I were the sick one; the one fascinated by the weird hanging thing! In reality, he spotted the "thing" hanging there in the first place! Again, he would spot the big pink thing. And again, the small shriveled thing.
And the muscular ape, possibly "doing" his thing. And on and on and on. Here Bob* was, painting me as the "genitals at the zoo freak", while it was quite clearly obvious that he was the freak!

From this experience I have learned that when you go to the zoo and see something hanging from the buttocks of a monkey, for the comfort of those around you, do not press your nose to the glass and point. Just pretend it is a tail and not a genital. Your sister will thank you.

*This name has been changed to protect the identity of Clyde.

Friday, March 7, 2008

The Bushes Would Be Safer

I have had four injuries in public bathrooms since 2005. Three of which all happened in the same ladies' room at Cottonwood Hospital. The fourth injury was acquired today in the new Intermountain Medical Center lavatory. I thought that all the bad memories were behind me, but I was mistaken.

The first injury took place on a icy winter night. I had a favorite washroom that I felt relaxed and comfortable using, and so I would take the trip through the dimly lit hallways over by Human Resources and use the homestyle ladies' room with the marble stalls. Nice place, other than the old school baseboard heater that was dangerously close to the toilet. So dangerously close, in fact, that someone hovering over the seat to pee with their pants down around their ankles, might drop a key, bend over to get it, press a bare leg against the red, hot, baseboard heater, and sear the skin on that leg to a crisp. Not such an enjoyable bathroom after all, if that were to happen. And yet I continued to use it.

And now picture, if you will, a toilet seat shaped, not in a circle, but in a U-shape. The kind with the wiggly hinges that allow the seat to slide off the bowl and move around. Not too terrible of a thing. Unless . . .

Unless, you have a little extra inner thigh meat that could get pinched between the seat and the bowl as the seat slides off to the side. As the seat slides, it grabs the delicate inner thigh flesh and crushes it between a cold ceramic bowl and a rock hard, plastic seat. Take a moment to think what you would do, if you were pinned to a toilet by the most tender part of your inner thigh. Not much to do. Just get up fast and examine the damage.

Third injury . . . same as the second. Some people learn things the hard way.

And the final injury

Some people have a wide stance, I have a wide squat. Nothing inappropriate of course, I just need a little extra leg room.
Take a moment and imagine the toilet paper dispenser. There are jagged edges that are used to tear the paper at the perforation. Not razor-sharp edges. Just kind of dull, sharp edges.
As I began to swiftly rise from the seat, my leg, being in the wide stance position, caught on the blunt serrated edges of the dispenser and gouged out a chunk of flesh from my knee cap. Which hurt. A lot.

It is not an injury you think much of at the time, but as the hours go by, thoughts of the necrotic bacteria infecting your wound surface throughout the day. Bathroom infections getting into the gouge were at the forefront of my mind. The injury from today had the potential of progressing into a deadly injury. Something so simple could have ended my existence, just like that.

And that is why, I have decided that it just is not safe to use the public stalls. I am opting for the open air approach to defecating, and I think I have found the perfect location. It is just outside of the Women's Center doors, and then turn North. I'll bring my own roll.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Spectacular Cheese

Can you, for just one minute ,enjoy this beautiful picture of my cheese platter? Is it not the most spectacular cheese platter you have seen? I believe you must say it is or I will question your honesty. Do you see the adorable little wheels of cheese artistically placed next to the tastefully placed citrus garnishes? Please enjoy the grapes in the two tone colors placed to balance and create symmetry. It is a joy to behold. A conversation starter at any party, and yes, it was created by me! I am so proud I want to inspire others to try and reach this cheese perfection. And so I will share the techniques I used in the creation of this delectable dairy delight. I lovingly watched as my dear cousin rolled the cheese and her helpful husband sorted out the perfect pieces of cheese. I encouraged Janay as she decided where to place the grapes and most importantly I took pictures of my glorious cheese platter while it was coming to life. I encouraged, and praised Sara as she washed the grapes and twisted the limes. I am so proud of my work. I stood by every minute of the creation watching my prize take form. As Tim sliced and assisted, as Janay eyeballed and arranged and as Sara and Kaitlin chilled and unpackaged, I was there. In the end, I graciously allowed my helpers to accept the compliments, but we all know it was my food assignment and I believe it was my idea to have a fantastic platter, so I just wouldn't feel right not taking my share of the credit. Thank you! If you would like me to bring something such as this to a party or family dinner, I would be happy to, I just need to make sure The Stanfords and The Prepchucks will be visiting that weekend, then sign me up!